Proteini stood at the deli counter, waiting for the teenager with the bad skin and underbite to finish preparing his salad. The pimply-faced teen kept eying him, flicking back and forth between Proteini and the salad.
Could have been the cape or the mask, but it made Proteini feel appreciated to be noticed. Maybe he didn’t get mobbed out in public as he once did years ago, but those little strange looks meant the world to him.
The kid pushed the salad with chicken across the counter. “Here you go, sir.”
Proteini stuck a finger into the salad mix. A few seconds passed. “This is free-range chicken?”
“Um, yes sir, I think so.”
“Fat content seems a little high in the salad dressing. Where does it come from?”
The teenager shifted on his feet and jerked his head to toss the hair out of his eyes. “Um, I don’t know, sir. We have big jars in the back. If you’d like something else, I’ll have to start over.”
Proteini licked balsamic off his fingers and shrugged. “No matter. I’m sure this salad is excellent. Thank you, young man.”
He’d thrown a little extra drama into accepting his food, but it would give the teenager something to tell his friends about later. Yes, he had seen The Great Proteini come into the deli today, and even had a personal chat with him. That might buy the kid a little popularity on social media.
Proteini walked his salad back to the table, hung his cape from the back of the chair, and sat with Exactly Two Aspirin Man and Expanding Belly. They were both eating sandwiches.
“Took you long enough,” Aspirin said. “You grill that poor kid about the protein-to-fat ratio of the chicken?”
Proteini shook his head and unwrapped a set of plastic silverware. He rolled the bottom of his mask up above his nose so he wouldn’t get it messy.
“Don’t listen to Aspirin,” Belly said. “He’s been crabby all day.”
At a nearby table, two young girls were giggling, whispering to each other, and casting looks over at them. A tall girl with curly black hair stood up. Her friend gave her a little push to get her moving.
“Uh-oh,” Belly said. “Incoming.”
The girl sidled up next to Aspirin, a look of disbelief on her face. She chewed on her lower lip. “Excuse me, but are you—”
“Exactly Two Aspirin Man? Yes my dear, in the flesh.”
She giggled, swooned, had to widen her stance to steady herself. She took a bottle of aspirin from her purse and held it out. “I don’t mean to bother you, but do you think you could… just this once?”
Aspirin took the bottle and opened it as the girl readied her phone to capture the moment.
He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and tossed a wink at Proteini. In one quick motion, he shook the bottle, and two little pills appeared in his palm. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Proteini the whole time. He held up his hand, then moved it in a circle around his head, to make sure everyone could see.
The girl gasped, and half the deli started applauding. The other half were too busy tapping at their phones, taking pictures of the spectacle.
“Show off,” Proteini said.
Aspirin handed the bottle back to the girl and shooed her away with a flick of his wrist. “You see, my dear Proteini, when you’ve got it, you’ve got it. There’s nothing wrong with giving the people what they want.” He leveled a finger at Proteini. “You could learn a thing or two from my showmanship.”
As the girl strode away, Belly lifted up his shirt and sucked in his stomach, then pushed it out. Skinny, obese. Skinny, obese.
“Don’t embarrass yourself, Belly,” Aspirin said. “She’s not interested.”
Belly lowered his shirt. “You’re a dick.”
Aspirin seemed affronted, then he recovered and took a bite of his sandwich. “Don’t hate me just because I speak the truth.”
“What’s the plan for today?” Proteini said.
“I have a book signing at the mall later,” Belly said.
Aspirin snorted. “At the mall?”
“Yes, at the mall. My book is selling, and they’re expecting a big turnout, so you can suck it. I don’t even know why I hang out with you, Aspirin. You can be such a jerk sometimes.”
“You hang out with me because you need me, just as I need you. We’re part of the triumvirate,” Aspirin said, raising his sandwich into the air and gesturing with it as he spoke. “We are the three greatest heroes this world has ever known. Together, our power can thwart even the most powerful villains in the universe. Saving kittens from trees, returning ancient stolen artifacts to their rightful owners, desalinating oceans to provide clean water to impoverished nations… these are the things in our wheelhouse.”
Proteini sighed, chewing a mouthful of kale.
“What?” Aspirin said. “Am I wrong?”
“Whatever,” Proteini said. “You still owe me for the electric this month. That’s the third time I’ve reminded you.”
On the other side of the deli, a woman screamed. “Help! Help! Someone help me, he’s choking!”
Proteini whirled around to find a woman hopping up and down, waving her arms as a man seated at her table wrapped his hands around his own throat. Bug-eyed, a look of panic on his face as his whole head was turning as red as an apple.
People around them moved back, scooting away from the scene. Several of them gaped at the three heroes eating lunch, waiting for someone to do something.
They all shared a look. Aspirin darted across the room first, weaving between deli patrons in various states of panic.
“Save him, Exactly Two Aspirin Man!” shouted a kid in the back.
Aspirin somersaulted the final five feet to reach the scene. When he shot upright, he was holding a bottle of aspirin. A quick flick of his thumb removed the lid, then shook exactly two pills in his hand, then pushed them toward the man’s face.
The choking guy looked at the pills in disbelief, his chest hitching. Aspirin frowned.
Expanding Belly thundered across the room and stood behind the man. He lifted his shirt and expanded his stomach, bumping it against the man’s back. He drew it in then pushed it out again several times, each time bumping the man. Thump thump thump. But whatever was stuck in that throat, Belly’s nudges couldn’t dislodge it.
Belly glared at Proteini and waved him over.
Proteini crossed the room, his eyes on the sandwich on the table. It looked like ham and cheddar with shredded lettuce and tomato.
Proteini grasped the sandwich and squeezed it between his fingers, absorbing the nutritional information within. He concentrated. “Oh my God, this sandwich is loaded with sugar. There’s at least thirty grams of it in the bread alone!”
“Help him!” screamed the woman at the table. “Do something, please. He’s going to die if you don’t save him.”
Aspirin stared at his shoes, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Belly looked to Proteini.
Proteini placed a hand in the man’s mouth, pushing his fingers back as far as he could. He pried clenched teeth apart while he took in the data.
“It’s the tomato,” Proteini said. “There is a slice of heirloom stuck in there. It’s a little overripe, maybe not soft enough to squish. Belly, get ready.”
Proteini held up a finger as he dug his other hand further into the man’s mouth, nearing the back of his throat.
“Now!” he said as he smacked the table with his free hand. Belly’s gut ballooned in a quick, violent motion. The man lurched forward as Belly’s stomach connected with his back. Proteini felt in the dying man’s mouth for a change in salivation, and when the acid content began to rise, he clenched his fist and grabbed hold of the tomato chunk between his thumb and forefinger.
He yanked it out.
The man gasped, coughing, heaving huge breaths. His eyes shot wide open, whisking his head around like he didn’t know what had happened to him. In a few seconds, his color returned to normal.
Aspirin held out two little pills and a glass of water to the man. “Here you go sir. You’re safe now.”
Aspirin turned to the crowd, who all had their phones out, snapping pictures. He gave them all a big grin, holding up his hands to get their attention. “Ladies and gentlemen, everything is fine. This poor man was choking on a piece of tomato, but with my keen insight and timing of the medication I administered, I am confident he will make a full recovery.”
He took a bow as they all applauded him. Belly and Proteini stared daggers.
“What?” Aspirin said.
“You’re a dick,” Belly said.
Proteini returned to the table, picked up his cape, and waved for his two companions to follow him.
As they walked out the door, Aspirin said, “so, the mall, huh? Anyone up for some frozen yogurt?”
* * *
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. Why do Belly and Proteini hang out with Aspirin, when it’s clear that he’s a pompous ass?
2. Should Belly leave the group and focus on his writing career?
3. Is the fact that the people in the deli were more concerned with capturing video of life instead of living it indicative of the fact that we’ve become a plastic society incapable of real human connection? Why or why not?