Once upon a time, I had a new phone number. I repeatedly got calls for the wrong number. For months. Collect calls from jail, random people, text messages.
Later, I found out… well, you’ll see. Here’s Being Gary Wingo, an experimental comedy story loosely based on a real thing that happened. (900 words.)
___________
Caller: Hello, is Gary Wingo there?
Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
Caller: Oh, my mistake. Sorry about that.
END CALL.
Caller: Hey, Gary?
Me: Nope. Not Gary. You got the wrong number.
Caller: For real?
Me: Yes, for real.
END CALL.
Caller: You have a collect call from an inmate at Limon Correctional Facility. Press 1 to accept the charges.
END CALL.
Caller: Yo.
Me: Yes?
Caller: Wait. Who this?
Me: It’s not Gary, that’s for sure. Who is this?
Caller: (laughs) Quit screwing around, Gary.
Me: This is not Gary. I don’t know who Gary is, or why people keep calling this number, looking for him. I’m not Gary.
END CALL.
Caller: Where the hell is my child support, Gary?
Me: I have no idea.
Caller: Excuse me?
Me: I assume Gary has it. You should call him.
END CALL.
Caller: You have a collect call from an inmate at Limon Correctional Facility. Press 1 to accept the charges.
END CALL.
Caller: (heavy breathing)
Me: Hmm, can I assume you’re trying to reach Gary Wingo?
Caller: (laughs)
Me: Nice try.
END CALL.
Caller: Listen to me, Gary, you squirrelly bastard. If you don’t bring back my car right this second, I’m—
Me: Hello, this is not Gary. Everyone keeps calling here for him, but I’m not Gary. I don’t know what I have to do to convince you people.
Caller: What the fuck?
Me: What the fuck, indeed. I did a little research. Turns out, the phone company recycles unused cell phone numbers every few years. So this guy you’re looking for, this Gary Wingo, I don’t know who he is, but I now have his old number.
Caller: Gary, if you crashed my car, you’re a dead man.
Me: For all I know, Gary is already a dead man. Have a nice day.
END CALL.
Caller: You have a collect call from an inmate at Limon Correctional Facility. Press 1 to accept the charges.
END CALL.
Caller: Gary, this is your dad. We need to talk.
Me: Hey, Dad.
Caller: Gary? Why do you sound strange?
Me: Because I’m not Gary. I have his old phone.
Caller: I don’t understand.
Me: Yes, no one does, apparently. I will explain it. You have dialed the correct phone number, sir, but you have not reached Gary Wingo. Gary Wingo is a ghost, floating in the breeze. He’s a figment of our collective imagination. He does not exist.
Caller: What?
Me: You’ve got the wrong number. Have a lovely day.
END CALL.
Caller: You have a collect call from an inmate at Limon Correctional Facility. Press 1 to accept the charges.
END CALL.
Caller: Gary, it’s me.
Me: I’m sorry, Gary just died. He was standing next to me in line at Starbucks when he had a massive heart attack. I snatched up his phone and have been scrolling through his pictures, hoping to find naked selfies I could post online. No such luck. And then you called, and that brings us to the present. How is your day going?
Caller: I don’t… Gary’s dead?
Me: And he didn’t even get to have a single sip of the Venti Soy Latte he ordered. What a tragedy.
END CALL.
Caller: I miss you.
Me: Aww, that’s sweet. I miss you too.
Caller: I don’t even care about the child support anymore.
Me: You’re being very gracious.
Caller: Um, what? Gary?
Me: Nope, not even close. But forget about him. Let’s talk about us. What do you miss most about me?
END CALL.
Caller: You have a collect call from an inmate at Limon Correctional Facility. Press 1 to accept the charges.
Me: (beep)
Caller: Hello?
Me: Yes, hello, can I help you? You’ve been trying to reach me from jail for weeks, so let’s talk. What’s so important?
Caller: My name is Gary Wingo.
Me: Oh my God! The heavens are parting! Gary, you’ve returned to us from the beyond. What news do you bring from the netherworld?
Caller: Dude, what is your deal?
Me: My deal? I don’t have a deal. But there are some things you should know. If you don’t return Spider’s car soon, he’s going to murder everyone you know. And Claire has decided to take you back, even with the lack of child support payments. She’s really crazy about you, Gary. You’re a lucky man, and she’s a special lady. I’ve been chatting with her off and on for several days now, and I can definitely appreciate what you see in her.
Caller: You’ve been talking to my girl?
Me: But is she your girl, Gary? Hmm. I’ll have to think about that one.
Caller: I’m going to break your kneecaps.
Me: But if you break my kneecaps, how will you walk, Gary? How will you get around without knees? Did you think of that?
END CALL.
* * *
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
- In this uncertain world, who among us is not Gary Wingo, at least sometimes?
- Is Claire a fool to take Gary back so easily, since he owes her child support payments?
- Is it possible to walk with broken kneecaps?
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